Let’s not beat around the bush. Let’s head straight into the bush and LOOK OUT FOR THAT SNAKE! That was a close one, mate. No worries, you can have a great time in the city, the desert, the snow and the bush without having to run from any deadly critters if you’re safe inside one of our beautiful Chauffeured cars or buses. Here are some of the murderous beasties you can protect yourself from in our luxury vehicles.
There’s a reason Steve Irwin called himself The Crocodile Hunter despite him neither being a hunter nor limiting his inter-species tomfoolery to crocodiles. The reason is that everyone and their mother knows you do not mess with crocodiles. Saltwater crocs are the ones you mess with even less. They grow huge, up to 8 meters long, and unlike some of the more skittish members of the animal kingdom the salty croc knows how big and mean it is.
In the less murdery parts of the world we have some powerful predators the same size as a saltwater crocodile. We have black bears, for example. They can literally tear the doors off a car to get at a box lunch. But they can also be treed by a housecat. The saltwater crocodile, on the other hand, is not some nervous, berry-eating wimp. It lays in wait for something tasty (like a tourist) to get too close to the river’s edge and then latches on and doesn’t let go until that sucker is disjointed and eaten like a boiled chicken. It does this to humans about twentyfive times a year.
The cassowary is a bird that lends credence to the theory put forth by the archaeologist in Jurassic Park that dinosaurs all evolved into turkeys and the like. The cassowary, you see, is the world’s most deadly bird and it does, indeed, behave like a velociraptor. Raptor, incidentally, means bird of prey… and you will understand why the star villain was named thus when you see a cassowary in action. Cassowaries are what you would get if you crossed a turkey with an emu and then fed it nothing but amphetamines and chili peppers until it became an ornery sack of feathers filled with hate and bile. You see, the cassowary is insanely aggressive and territorial. Wander too close, give it the stink-eye or just mind your own business and not realize you’re somehow challenging the fluffy walking murder-king of down under and this feathered psycho will kick you. But kick is not the word to use.
Have you ever seen a spider eating a bird? If the answer is yes, I’m going to bet you’re an Australian or a really creepy YouTuber. That’s right, Australia is home to a Tarantula both big and fast enough to capture a bird and with a poison so strong it can stop a bird mid flight. The females of this species can live to be 30 years old, so it is possible that there has been one living in your bathroom, plotting to murder you with its inches-long fangs for your entire life. Thankfully, the venom of this spider is not strong enough to kill you… though it will make you puke for up to six hours straight. But don’t worry too much. If this furry footed, saber fanged, long-legged monster were annoyed with you it would let you know. By barking.
Yes, the Bird Eating Spider is also known as the Barking Spider and the Whistling Spider thanks to its habit of hissing at its enemies. Oh yeah. Not only does it hide and wait for the chance to make you vomit all day, it announces its intentions.
A kick is something a martial artist, footballer or donkey does. The cassowary … footstabs. Like one of those cheesy action movie guys with a blade hidden in the toe of his boot, the cassowary has a claw on its toe that is both razor sharp and 15 centimeters long and attached to legs as long as yours and strong enough to propel the rotten bastard at near supersonic speeds. But don’t get too worried. Our chauffeured cars and buses can outrun them. We hope.
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